Children and Bereavement

Change, loss, and death are natural aspects of the life cycle. For children and adults, grief is a natural response to the loss of something or someone that provided meaning and attachment. Today, children encounter loss and death in many forms (nature, pets, separation, divorce, etc.).

Often, adults try to protect children from loss and grief. Although these actions are well intended, they can create problems for the child's future development. Children are sensitive to the emotional meaning of events that occur around their presence. Therefore, a child should be told about a loss as soon as possible in a truthful, clear, and simple way, using terms appropriate to the child's understanding. At any age, the child may feel that he or she did something or said something that "caused" the death of a loved one. Children need a loving, caring adult to explain to them that they are not responsible.

A significant adult in the child's life can provide a supportive and safe environment for children to express their feelings. Because children are limited in their verbal ability, feelings may be demonstrated as outbursts, intensification of normal fears, regression to a previous developmental stage, and physical disturbances (loss of appetite, stomachaches, headaches, difficulty sleeping - nightmares, bladder/bowel difficulties) may occur.

To assist children and their families in understanding, sharing, and resolving grief, here is compiled information regarding children's ideas about death and ways of approaching the child through activities. Although this information is organized according to age, it is important to remember that chronological age can differ from developmental age and thought level. As a child develops emotionally and intellectually, he or she moves back and forth through developmental stages, building on information and skills learned in previous stages. Therefore, the activities for a grieving child may be useful for more than one age grouping. With a significant loss, minor loss events or developmental milestones that would have involved the one who was lost, provoke memories, causing the child to grieve again.

We hope that you find this material helpful.

Ages: Infancy to Two Years

Infants:
Have no concept of death.

8 Months to 2 Years:
Develop an awareness of separation and loss through:
1. Awareness of a parent's absence.
2. Games - "all gone" or "peek-a-boo"
3. Experience a sense of separation search for the departed object.


Behavioral Reaction:

Irritability

Change in crying or eating patterns

Bladder/bowel disturbances

Emotional withdrawal

Slowing in development

Ways to Assist the Child:

Provide secure and safe environment

Follow a schedule (as well as you can)

Hold and talk to the child often

Play with the child



Ages: Two to Five Years

Ideas About Death:

Death is continuous with life.

Life exists under different circumstances.

People live as diminished life forms, such as animals.

Biological processes are attributed to those who have died (examples: seeing, hearing, breathing, consciousness).

Death is not final but temporary, reversible.

It is seen as a separation, like taking a vacation or a period of sleep.

Death is viewed as how it affects the child's world.

They may experience the loneliness of separation, the loss of attention, and/or alterations in their normal routine.

Activities for a Grieving Child
1. Encourage the child's expression of his/her feelings. Children can associate with happy and sad faces. Make a necklace with yarn and construction paper. Draw a happy face on one side and a sad face on the other. The child will be able to show you how he/she is feeling.
2. Read books to the child to facilitate their understanding of change, loss, and death (preschool age).
3. Play with the child. Children act out their feelings through play, using dolls or stuffed animals.
4. Allow the child to select favorite photographs of his or her loved one.

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Ages 6 through 18.