When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child

The death of a child is an enormous tragedy. The despair and pain that follow a child's death is thought by many to exceed all other bereavement experiences. The death of a child is always untimely and encompasses the loss of a beloved child and the loss of the anticipated future together. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children and no parent is prepared for a child's death. The parent-child bond is one of the most intense relationships and children are emotionally and biologically a part of their parents. Many parents who have lost a child feel that a part of them has died, too.

The length of a child's life does not determine the size of the loss. Parent who lose a child at or before birth, have lost a dream and memories that they planned to have made with them. Parents are intimately involved in the daily lives of young children and their death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness. Parents may be less involved in the everyday lives of older children and adolescents, but death at this age occurs just when children are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals. When an adult child dies, parents not only lose a child, but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support. Parents who lose an only child also lose their identity as parents, and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren.

When any child dies, parents grieve the loss of possibilities and all of the hopes and dreams they had for their child. They grieve the potential that will never be realized and the experiences they will never share. When a child dies, a part of the future dies along with them.

Common grief reactions Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and prolonged.

Commonly experienced by parents:

Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial—this is true even if the child's death was expected

Overwhelming sadness and despair—facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

Extreme guilt—some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently

Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

Fear or dread of being alone and overprotectiveness of surviving children

Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children

Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child

Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs—assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death

Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby

Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others as no one can truly understand how they feel

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over the course of a year, but this is not true. The initial severe and all-consuming grief is not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger renewed grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common grief triggers. Parents frequently find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.



Gender differences in grieving

Mothers and fathers may grieve in different ways. One parent may find talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how men and women grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, to be strong, and to take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and to want to talk about their grief. A working father may become more involved in his job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home mother may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel devoid of purpose now that her job as caregiver has abruptly ended.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. It is important for parents to talk openly about their grief and for each parent to understand and accept the other's coping style.

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